Tip Your Waitress

I love to laugh. I especially enjoy a good joke on the golf course. Good way to pass the time on the tee box as you wait for the foursome in front of you to wait for the green to clear from 280 yards out after the just hit their drive 190. Here are some of my favorites that I’ve heard over the years. A couple of these are pretty dark. That may say a lot.

Truth hurts A guy cuts out of work early to catch a quick 9 holes by himself. When he arrives the starter tells him that he’ll be paired with another single. He introduces him to this gorgeous brunette as his playing partner for the day. They hit it off right away and have a great time. After the round they head into the clubhouse for a drink or two. One thing leads to another and they end up back at her place for the night. The next morning she rolls over and tells him she has to tell him something. “I have to get this off my chest. I’ve felt bad about it all night. But…I’m actually a man.” Shocked the guy shoots out of bed screaming. “Oh my god this is appalling! How dare you! This is totally unacceptable! You played the ladies’ tees all day yesterday!”

Good Mourning Marty and his regular foursome are standing in the fairway of their local muni when they notice a funeral procession driving down the nearby road. Doug looks over and notices Marty take his hat off and bow is head in a moment of silence as they pass. “That was a nice sign of respect, Marty”, Doug says. “It’s the least I can do”, Marty responds “we were married for 27 years.

Drown your sorrows With an absolute terrible round of golf nearing the end, a golfer sighed and looked at the pond right of the 18th fairway. “I’ve played so bad I feel like jumping in that lake and drowning,” he said. Without hesitation his caddie responded “I don’t think you can keep your head down that long.”

I do As a couple approaches the altarthe groom tells his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be playing golf!” “Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.” The groom replies, “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to maintain a smooth tempo and keep your left arm straight.”

Had enough Right of the 14th fairway a frustrated golfer finally looks over at his caddie and asks “Why do you keep looking at your watch? It’s rude and distracting.” The caddie rolls his eyes and says “It’s not a watch, it’s a compass.”

Forgive me Father Todd’s 3 playing partners are impatiently waiting at the 1st tee with the starter. He finally pulls up and grabs his driver and rushes up to the tee box. “Your late, Todd,” one of them exclaims. “I know, I know, I’m sorry. I tossed a coin to see if I should play golf this morning or go to church.” “Ok but what took so long,” asks one of them. “Well I had to toss it 12 times.”

Personal best? Ralph made the turn having just shot his career low for 9 holes. As he headed to the 10th tee his cell phone rang. His wife was in a horrible car accident. Faced with the decision on whether to continue his round in an attempt to shoot his personal record or rush to the hospital…he marched on and shot a career best 72. He arrived to the hospital 2 hours later and the doctor approached him with a disgusted look on his face. “I hope you’re happy! Your selfishness will be rewarded with your wife needing around the clock care for the rest of your life! You will need to feed her, and bathe her, and dress her. She will never fully recover.” Ralph drops to his knees and begins to weep. “Stand up” the doc says. “I’m just kidding. She passed away an hour ago. What ya shoot?”

I’m a scratch golfer. I hit the ball then scratch my head and wonder where it went.

Enjoy the game and each other,

Seth Zipay – Head Golf Professional

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